First Loves and "What If"s

I just discovered that my "first love" is married. Has been for a couple of months. My heart stopped, watched my youth die, and started back up again with a bit of remorse. I've long since dispersed my feelings for this male on the winds of yesteryear, and really am quite happy that his life is going so well for him, but it still seems to slap my year long commitment in the face. I've made this commitment to God for no dating for one year. An entire year of no dating, no giving out my number, as minimal amount of flirting as possible, in order to work on all of my trust and commitment issues. You know, taking that time for me before I get into another relationship and then figure out that I need to work on my issues. But still, in spite of everything, I can't help but muse over the "what if"s. What if at 15 I hadn't freaked out when he sent me a lovey-dovey email poem with flashing, red hearts that summer in Oregon? What if I had been honest with myself from the start? What if the next summer I hadn't lied to him when he asked if I ever had feelings for him? What if I hadn't set him up with a friend who broke his heart? What if he hadn't moved away? What if I hadn't waited four years to confess my feelings for him that first semester of college? What if he hadn't disappeared, again? What if that New Year's Eve two years ago I had leaned in and kissed him like I so desperately wanted to? What if I hadn't called him two days later and explained to him every single reason why we couldn't be together (because, oh yes, he had still felt it also) which literally put him in the arms of his new bride? What if? What if? What it!! Would it be me? Would I be a newly wed? Would I have gone to Lee and met Dana and Kathryn and James? Would I have discovered I'm a painter? Would I have studied and expanded my mind? Would I be wondering about the life I could have had?  Would I have experienced half the things I have experienced? Seen half of what I've seen? Would I be who I am? I rather think not. I can't really imagine that version of myself. I still can't even really see myself getting married down the road, but with him, would it have been different? He was that tantric love of youth, after all. Are the rules different that first time? Is each subsequent relationship more focused on the drive of tomorrow to experience that zealousness of now?