Deep Sigh

I've done this to myself. I've broken my own heart. I let myself hope and believe that it was mutual. That in all our flirting, he had feelings too. But, alas, I listened to what others had to say, convinced myself that "domestic partnership" was just a joke, let the texts and flirting and jokes be something of feelings on his side but, no. He really is dating his friend, the friend he told me about. So I admit that I have feelings, and I'm broken. I'm broken on a level I forgot I had or even knew that I had. But unrequited love will do that, every time, won't it? I pine, I perish, and I find myself to sensical to wax poetry about broken hearts and unclaimed loves. So I do what I do best and run as fast as my chickeness will take me.

Mermaid Tail!!

I just purchased a new camera. A beautiful Nikon D5100. And I discovered that you can get water gear for it. You should know what went through my mind. There are photographers whose entire careers are strictly mer images. It's a very specific skill sect which few have taken the time to acquire. You have to be SCUBA certified, knowledgeable about dive equipment, understand the water/currents you'll be working in, a strong swimmer, CPR certified, and all manner of other things I'm sure I haven't thought of in my ponderings. But this is me. This is smashing of my loves: mermaids, water, photography, art, imagination. So, lovely Dana in all her acting and faerie glory immediately popped into my head (she is a red-head after all). I told her my idea (didn't really give her much of a choice in the matter), and she wholeheartedly agreed. And so my lovely faerie friend will be my first mer-model. Therefore, in addition to having to get the water gear, I have to make Dana a fin (and will also be making myself one), and found this completely awesome How-To video by  Sasha the Fire Gypsy via the lovely Carolyn Turgeon's mermaid blog. Life is just glorious!!

Go swim!!

Now to find a monofin...

Moving on and Growing up

Through the years, I have not been the best to listen to what God is actually saying. I hear what I think He is saying and then swim full force into the coral reef,battering myself against it till I'm angry and exhausted. Slowly, I'm starting to listen better, figure out faster that what He is saying is not exactly what I heard, and calm down before the water is bloody and the sharks are hovering. Life has been so great lately that when my latest upset happened I don't think I even really had been ramming the reef that long before I figured out that it wasn't working.

So I'm looking for a place to live. And I'm looking for a roommate. The roommate I thought I had lined up wasn't as certain as I was about moving out and rooming, so instead of waiting for three years like I did for my last supposed to be roommate, I'm moving on. I need out so pray that God sends me a roommate.

Colors of Healing

I lay down to sleep tonight covered in Lamp Black, Prussian Blue, Lemon Yellow, Burnt Umber, & Titanium White. I have painted. Did I paint what I needed to paint? No. But I painted. And that means I'm working through the ball of emotional mess. Or trying to start. It means I can start to heal. It means that the art can start to flow. It means that everything I've started to give up I can get back. I can read. I can write. I can paint. I can photograph. I can lay under the trees and watch thhe clouds. I can remember what my soul enjoys. I can visit Kalea again. I can open myself up to a relationship again. Well maybe not quite that.

Good night world. Dream of fairies in the trees and mermaids in the waves.

Friends

As I find myself in uncharted waters, I'm beginning to notice the strength that others see in me. They don't have standards and expectations for me. They just know I'll do it. They know I will swim against the current when I need to and go with the flow when I must. They don't just have faith in me, they have knowledge in me. And I'm currently finding that I need their strength, their knowledge that I will beat my fears, their love and support. I am a mer on land, and I am walking a new path.

You know how when your life is just going along so swimmingly that you just keep waiting for the current to snag you and toss you about until you're gasping and trying to make it back up for air? I'm there. I'm waiting. And it just keeps getting better! No current! No gasping! Promotion. Raise. Quit my scrapbook job, so I'll only be working 40 hrs a week. I get to paint again. Friends asked me to be the photographer for their wedding. Friend asked me to illustrate her books. Looking at moving. Life is just peachy!!

Tears, Inappropriate comments, and Souls

Lying in my bed, listening to the rain, and crying over the offensive things that were said to me at work last night, I decided to write about why such comments are so offensive.

Last night, at my second job, a middle-aged male came around the corner from having his meal with his WIFE, saw me smiling behind the cash stand, and asked, rather loudly, if I would go home with him because he liked redheads. I awkwardly laughed and told him it wasn't natural, but instead of him letting it go, of being grateful that some woman actually married him, that I wasn't roundhouse kicking his knees out of placement, he continues to ask me what time I got off. Repeatedly. Really? REALLY?

And as I think on it, I find it bothers me so much because it's ridiculously asinine to make comments like that. What point could that have possibly served? All I can think about is sitting in Dr. G.'s Chaucer class and discussing how physical attraction is what initially attracts us to a person. Why? Because we let it. I don't know if I will ever understand it, because what good is the outward appearance? Really, what good is it? It fads with age or is taken away with an accident. What is so hard to understand about that? We are not "bodies with souls" as Jim Butcher's Queen Mab so distinctly puts it, but rather "souls with bodies". The shell is a temporary residence. We should be attracted to each others souls. They're the stuff of eternity.

So, dear readers, I've decided I have three choices: 1. Marry a blind man. 2. Become a nun. 3. Travel and paint with a completely platonic male friend to keep the creepers at bay. I like number three best--LB, let's go!